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Emotions Are Ageless

I’ve discovered recently that emotions aren’t equated to age; whether you are sixty or six, you can be emotionally the same age. I used to think as you got older you would become wiser and therefore would be in more control of your emotions. Let me clarify that in the context of this article I am using the word emotion to convey agitation or disturbance caused by strong feelings.

For me, the ability to control emotions is more about understanding emotions and where they come from than actually controlling them. Controlling is about will power versus discernment. Understanding that we use the Principle of Thought to create emotions brings tremendous relief from mental stress and anxiety when we are victimized by our own thoughts. Unfortunately, many people do not know this and innocently use their thoughts against themselves.

It appears to me that the key factor in discernment is wisdom which also is not related to age. Although many think that wisdom is a benefit of aging and experience, I see that is not necessarily the case. Many adults and seniors are stuck in habits of thought that distress them, just as all ages can be. If you don’t know that you are the thinker of those thoughts, you are your own worst enemy when you continue to entertain them.

Let me give you an example. Harriet, a feisty widow, is 69 years old, and has been semi-estranged from her son, Wally, for several years. Harriet is quite judgmental and rigid in her beliefs about how she wants to be treated. She feels abandoned by her son because he seldom calls or seems to care about her. She doesn’t know why he doesn’t call. They have not had a specific falling out, rather a general pulling back from each other. Harriet’s son dutifully calls her on Mother’s Day, on her birthday and other special holidays. The calls are superficial and awkward. Neither feels good about them. Neither knows how to move past the awkwardness and strain of their relationship.

Wally, at the age of 45, has been on his own for many years, has his own family and a nice life. He does not like the many awkward and stressful conversations with his mother over the years and this has led to him distancing himself from her. His mother is always in the back of his mind but he just doesn’t have the heart to call her more often and face another uncomfortable exchange.

Harriet feels the situation is her son’s fault; she feels that he should have more respect for her – after all she carried him for nine long months and took care of him during his childhood and early adulthood. She worked her fingers to the bone for him is how she sees it.

Wally feels that his mother is too set in her ways and just doesn’t want to get into any confrontation with her. His manner of dealing with the situation is by avoiding her as much as possible. He does not feel good about this.

Finally the situation comes to a head. Harriet is about to turn 70. Wally is fully aware of this but doesn’t have anything planned to celebrate her birthday. Wally’s sister, Wilma, who has a healthy relationship with her mother, calls Wally and suggests they both take Harriet out for a special luncheon, just the three of them without their families. Wally reluctantly agrees and Wilma offers to set up the engagement.

“Hi Mom,” Wilma says. They share some small talk for awhile then Wilma says, “I’ve been talking with Wally and we’d love to take you out for a lovely birthday lunch. Is there any special place that you’d like to go?”

“Wally hasn’t said anything to me about it,” Harriet replied in a fretful tone. “He never calls and never invites me anywhere so why now?”

Wilma tried to smooth things over but her mother resisted and Harriet’s tone of voice became even more stressed. Wilma was surprised at how quickly her mother had become emotional. Wilma was aware of the difficult relationship between her mother and her brother but after trying many times to bring some solution to the situation had decided it was best to leave them to sort it out. Whenever she tried to help them resolve their differences, they both got upset with her.

As her mother brought up all the things she felt was wrong about her son Wally, Wilma could hear the pain in her voice and recognized that although she had covered up her pain over the years, it was still there as soon as she started to talk about it. Wilma realized that her mother was creating her own pain by her negative thinking but didn’t feel she could point that out to her directly.

“Mom, you know that Wally loves you. He just doesn’t want to argue with you so he stays away. When he does call, he doesn’t like the tone of the conversation. He feels insecure with you and he feels like he’s not loved and accepted for who he is. He’s really stressed out about this.”

“Well I’m stressed out too!” Harried replied emphatically. “And I don’t feel loved either; I don’t know that I want to go to lunch with him. The awkwardness will just start up all over again.”

Wilma could feel that her mother was getting more wound up emotionally so she knew she needed to settle her down. “Look, Mom, you both feel the same but I know that Wally wants to be with you for your birthday. He loves you, Mom,” Wilma repeated. “Do I have your permission to talk to Wally about how you’re feeling? Maybe if it comes from me, he’ll hear it differently.” Wilma wondered about getting in the middle again but then thought, why not, in for a penny, in for a pound. Harriet reluctantly agreed that it was okay for Wilma to talk with Wally.

“Wally, I’ve talked to Mom about her birthday luncheon and she is having difficulty seeing it as a nice family celebration. As I’ve talked to you and Mom, it seems to me that you both are experiencing many of the same emotions and stressing because of the way you are thinking about each other. She is really hurting.”

“Well, I’m hurting too, Wilma,” her brother informed her curtly, “but I didn’t know that Mom was taking things so badly and I certainly don’t like to see her in pain. I just don’t want to get into the same old conversation again.”

“You don’t have to talk about the past, Wally. Just let it be. See her as your mother who is trying her best, given how she is thinking about life. She loves you too, I know she does. She just doesn’t know how to express it. One of you has to put out their hand to the other. Do you want to have a better relationship with Mom?”

“Yes, of course I do. I don’t know if she does. I’ve tried in the past and it’s not worked. What will be different now?”

“I don’t know, Wally. You can only try again. I do know that if your heart is in the right place, you won’t take the things she says so personally. Maybe if you don’t get upset with her, she’ll back off.”

“Let me think about it,” Wally responded in a low tone.

That evening Wilma was talking to her husband about her conversations with Harriet and Wally. “They are both in pain from their thoughts about each other yet they both love each other. Their egos seem to be in charge with neither one wanting to extend themselves to try to resolve their estrangement. Life is too short to have this bad feeling in the family.”

Larissa, Wilma’s 10 year old daughter overheard the conversation. “Mommy, I think Grandma just needs to chill out and play nice with Uncle Wally. After all, he is her son. You’re always so nice to me unless I do something really bad like cut my new jeans into shorts. Why can’t Grandma be the same with Uncle Wally? She’s your mom and she’s nice to you. I don’t get why she can’t be nice to Uncle Wally. And I think Uncle Wally should be nicer to Grandma. I think both of them just need to chill out and make up,” Larissa concluded with childlike certainty.

Wilma was left very thoughtful by her daughters’ perception. Larissa was right on the money. Seen from her youthful perspective, it seemed a simple thing to “chill out and make up”. Could it be that simple? It would remain to be seen if that was possible.

The next morning Wilma called her brother. “Are you up for talking a bit about Mom?”

“Sure, I guess so,” Wally said, albeit reluctantly.

“Have you taken Mom for a car ride recently?”

“No, I haven’t. We end up snapping at each other so I haven’t bothered.”

“What would you say to trying again, Wally, with a different perspective based on your realization that she is so stressed about what is going on between you. I have a hunch it would mean the world to her and ultimately to you. If you don’t bite when she presses your red buttons she may give it up. At the very least, you will feel better if you don’t challenge her back but love her for who she is, our mother.”

“It sounds pretty farfetched to me and it also doesn’t sound fair. Why shouldn’t I respond to her snapping at me? It feels like I would be letting her get away with murder - the murder of my self esteem!”

“Has snapping back at her helped your relationship?”

“No, but that’s not the point.”

“Think about what you just said, Wally, and consider if your behavior toward Mom is of service to the both of you. That’s all I’m going to say about this. It’s up to you now.”

“What should I do?”

“I think you know the answer to that, Wally.”

Wilma contemplated calling her mother to share with her what Wally was going through. She knew she was really sticking her nose into their business but felt Harriet and Wally were on the edge of a new look at their relationship. On the way to work, she found herself driving by her mother’s place and before she could think about it, she was parked and heading for the front door.

Her mother answered the door with a face that looked tired and fraught with worry. Hugging her affectionately, they then moved into the kitchen. Pouring her daughter a cup of coffee, she said, “What brings you here so early?”

“Mom, I thought I’d share with you what Wally and I have been talking about. Are you interested?”

“I guess so.”

Wilma had to chuckle inside herself. Talk about two peas in a pod. Her mother and brother were so alike. Perhaps that was part of the problem. Neither wanted to give in yet at the same time, they appeared willing to consider it, if the other gave in first.

Wilma related to her Mom how much Wally was feeling stressed just like Harriet was but that he really wanted to have a healthy relationship and wasn’t sure how to go about it. “What about you, Mom? Do you want to have a better relationship with Wally?”

Harriet stared at her daughter in consternation. “Of course I do. What do you take me for? I love my son. I just don’t know how to be with him. Every time I say something, he snaps at me.”

This time, Wilma couldn’t help it and burst out laughing. “You both have the same story,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. “Just be open to changing the story.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just be open, Mom, the next time Wally calls or you call him. Go for a nice feeling in your conversation. When you find the conversation getting awkward, be still for a moment until the feeling passes, don’t retaliate. That is, if you don’t want that awkward feeling to continue. Go for the nice feeling, that’s how you will change the story of your relationship with Wally.”

As Wilma resumed her drive to work, she called Wally on her cell phone and related the gist of her conversation with their mother. “It’s up to you and Mom now, Wally. I’m out of the middle. Good luck! I know you both can come to resolution if you keep your heart in the right place.”

“I appreciate all you’ve done, Wilma. You’ve certainly earned your sister and daughter stripes. You’ve been promoted to Family Mediator.”

“No thank you!” They both burst out laughing and clicked end on the cell phone. Wilma felt hopeful that both Harriet and Wally had realized something deeper about emotions and stress – that emotions are ageless and so is stress. It remained to be seen what shape the new story of their relationship would take.

Elsie Spittle

June 10, 2008

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Updated June 10, 2008