Previous Wisdom for Life Columns

Being in Integrity The Many Faces of Rapport

Truth Does Not Sleep Redefining Maturity

The Sandpaper Effect of Consciousness Mining for Treasure

Do you ever find yourself lamenting what is wrong with the world rather than what is right? I think it is safe to say most of us do this at one time or another. We do this with our family, spouses and children alike. Nor are our friends left out of this circle of what’s wrong. We find fault at work, with our colleagues, our bosses and employees. We grumble about our jobs. We bemoan the government and their policies.

This way of seeing life almost becomes normal – until we discover that we are blessed with three divine gifts; Mind, Consciousness and Thought. These three Principles are the foundation of our existence. They are our operating system and we use them to create our personal reality.

The Principles are neutral in themselves. We, as human beings, have the power to use these Principles and create any reality we choose. Once we become conscious we have this power and use it wisely, our personal reality automatically improves. We begin to see what is right with the world, with our family, friends, with our jobs, and so on.

A single parent shares this story. “My daughter, Brittany, is 15 years old. We were very close as she was growing up then a couple of years ago things changed and we just couldn’t seem to communicate. Whatever I would say, she disagreed with me. And I must admit, whatever she would say, I disagreed with her. We seemed to have no middle ground.

“About a year ago I found out she had met a boy on the internet and was constantly communicating with him. I didn’t know anything about him and then Brittany told me she was planning on meeting him. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was not allowed to do so. She clammed up on me so I didn’t know if she was going to meet him or not and I was very concerned about her safety.

“Her behavior seemed to go from bad to worse; I know she was experimenting with drugs and alcohol, staying out late, her school marks were poor. Nothing I said to her seemed to make any difference.

“Then a friend told me about a therapist, Abby Nelson, who had an unusual way of talking with people. My friend said the counselor looked for wisdom in people rather than dysfunction. I must say, this approach intrigued and appealed to me.

“In my first counseling session with Abby, I found her theory rather simplistic yet there was something about what she was saying and how calm she was that kept me glued to my chair. I told Abby how frantic I was about the situation with my daughter and the boy on the internet, and the drugs and other misbehavior; she listened intently but didn’t engage in probing for what else was wrong. Instead, to my astonishment, Abby asked me what I loved about my daughter.

“She used to be the light of my eye, with a great sense of humor, always seeing the good in people, a very kind and caring young girl.”

Abby said, “Have you told her these things recently?” I had to admit that I had not. Abby gently suggested that I share my love with my daughter and tell her the good things I saw in her, rather than nagging her about what was wrong with her. It was such a simple thing to say but it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I hadn’t told my daughter I loved her for a long time. With her poor behavior, I didn’t feel a lot of love for her. But when I left Abby’s office, I had a different perspective. I realized that I had totally focused on all the bad things I saw rather than encouraging the good.

“I felt so peaceful when I was in Abby’s office and the feeling lingered after I left. Abby helped me to see the good in my daughter again. I felt hopeful for our future and I hadn’t felt like this in a long time.

“I had five sessions with Abby and I’ve never looked back. My life has changed and my feelings with my daughter have developed into a warm, loving, and thoughtful relationship. When I nurtured the wisdom in Brittany, she blossomed and soon her behavior cleaned up. I saw that as her wisdom was released, she wanted to do well. All the misbehaviour was her way of looking for attention, in all the wrong places. Now we can talk things over. We may not always agree but we’ve learned our lesson. With love and respect in place, we can handle whatever comes our way.”

Here’s another example to consider. Andy has been having a tough time at work. His level of frustration is very high and at one point, he erupts and curses out his boss, stomps out of work and heads for home. Andy’s boss calls Kevin, the company’s employee assistance counselor to ask him to talk with Andy, educating him on the benefits of the Principles and innate mental health. Happy to do so, Kevin arranged a time to talk with Andy.

“Tell me a little about yourself, Andy.”

“Well, I guess you could say I’m having a nervous breakdown. I find myself out of control. Just the other day, I cussed out my boss, stormed out of work, and luckily didn’t have an accident as I drove home. I slammed into the house, said hi to my wife, stomped up the stairs and went to bed.”

“I see. Then what did you do?”

“The next day I felt a bit better and knew I had to apologize to my boss. He took it well, didn’t get bent out of shape with me. I give him a lot of credit that he didn’t fire me on the spot.”

“That’s a lot of wisdom you’ve shown,” Kevin commented.

“What? How do you figure that? I just told you how I blew it and you’re saying that’s wise! I don’t get you,” Andy said emphatically.

“Let’s look at the situation from another angle, Andy. Look at what you did right once you got home.”

He paused for a moment then said, “I don’t see anything right about what I did when I got home.”

“You told me that you said hi to your wife and went to bed, right?”

“That’s right.”

“You didn’t take your anger and frustration out on your wife, right?”

“Well, yes,” Andy said reluctantly.

“Then you went to bed. You knew that was the best thing to do, right?”

Again, Andy said hesitantly, “Yes. I was just so beat that I collapsed on the bed. I don’t see what’s so wise about that.”

“You also apologized to your boss.”

“Well, yeah. I still want my job.”

“How did you know to do all those things - not yell at your wife, go to bed and rest, apologize to your boss - in the midst of this so-called nervous breakdown? That’s some breakdown, I must say, to still have so much common sense in the midst of that episode. You did a lot of damage control.”

“I never thought of it that way,” Andy replied thoughtfully. “It never occurred to me that there was anything good to be seen in this event. So how did I know how to do this damage control? I thought I was out of control yet as you point out what I did right, I have to agree. Yet I didn’t think about doing those things. It just seemed to happen naturally.”

“Everyone has innate mental health or common sense built into them. We’re born with this capacity. We wouldn’t exist without these three gifts. The trick is to learn how to use them appropriately for our benefit rather than against ourselves.

“What I want you to reflect on, Andy, is the spiritual fact that despite your so-called nervous breakdown, your innate health was still functioning and kept you from doing too much damage. What do you think about that?”

“It is something for me to mull over. I can’t quite get my head around these Principles you’re talking about but I’d like to learn more.”

“I’ll tell you something, Andy, I don’t totally understand these Principles by a long shot myself but I see the results, over and over again. Look for the positive feelings. That’s the secret.”

Andy’s workplace is lucky; they have in place an employee assistance program, based on the Three Principles. It’s part of their corporate culture. They call it “healthy high performance”.

Imagine if more organizations, communities, and families learned about the innate gift of wisdom, residing within each and everyone. The world would soon be a different place.

As we come into the holiday season with an abundance of material gifts surrounding us, it behooves us all to take a fresh look at the innate gifts that have been bestowed upon us. They cost us nothing; they are freely given. The Three Principles herald a new beginning for mankind to take joyous responsibility for his own world. In doing so, illustrating to others the potential we all have to make the world a better place; to live, to love, to laugh, and to instill in our children their birthright of hope and fulfillment.

Elsie Spittle

December 7, 2008

Emotions Are Ageless

I’ve discovered recently that emotions aren’t equated to age; whether you are sixty or six, you can be emotionally the same age. I used to think as you got older you would become wiser and therefore would be in more control of your emotions. Let me clarify that in the context of this article I am using the word emotion to convey agitation or disturbance caused by strong feelings.

For me, the ability to control emotions is more about understanding emotions and where they come from than actually controlling them. Controlling is about will power versus discernment. Understanding that we use the Principle of Thought to create emotions brings tremendous relief from mental stress and anxiety when we are victimized by our own thoughts. Unfortunately, many people do not know this and innocently use their thoughts against themselves.

It appears to me that the key factor in discernment is wisdom which also is not related to age. Although many think that wisdom is a benefit of aging and experience, I see that is not necessarily the case. Many adults and seniors are stuck in habits of thought that distress them, just as all ages can be. If you don’t know that you are the thinker of those thoughts, you are your own worst enemy when you continue to entertain them.

Let me give you an example. Harriet, a feisty widow, is 69 years old, and has been semi-estranged from her son, Wally, for several years. Harriet is quite judgmental and rigid in her beliefs about how she wants to be treated. She feels abandoned by her son because he seldom calls or seems to care about her. She doesn’t know why he doesn’t call. They have not had a specific falling out, rather a general pulling back from each other. Harriet’s son dutifully calls her on Mother’s Day, on her birthday and other special holidays. The calls are superficial and awkward. Neither feels good about them. Neither knows how to move past the awkwardness and strain of their relationship.

Wally, at the age of 45, has been on his own for many years, has his own family and a nice life. He does not like the many awkward and stressful conversations with his mother over the years and this has led to him distancing himself from her. His mother is always in the back of his mind but he just doesn’t have the heart to call her more often and face another uncomfortable exchange.

Harriet feels the situation is her son’s fault; she feels that he should have more respect for her – after all she carried him for nine long months and took care of him during his childhood and early adulthood. She worked her fingers to the bone for him is how she sees it.

Wally feels that his mother is too set in her ways and just doesn’t want to get into any confrontation with her. His manner of dealing with the situation is by avoiding her as much as possible. He does not feel good about this.

Finally the situation comes to a head. Harriet is about to turn 70. Wally is fully aware of this but doesn’t have anything planned to celebrate her birthday. Wally’s sister, Wilma, who has a healthy relationship with her mother, calls Wally and suggests they both take Harriet out for a special luncheon, just the three of them without their families. Wally reluctantly agrees and Wilma offers to set up the engagement.

“Hi Mom,” Wilma says. They share some small talk for awhile then Wilma says, “I’ve been talking with Wally and we’d love to take you out for a lovely birthday lunch. Is there any special place that you’d like to go?”

“Wally hasn’t said anything to me about it,” Harriet replied in a fretful tone. “He never calls and never invites me anywhere so why now?”

Wilma tried to smooth things over but her mother resisted and Harriet’s tone of voice became even more stressed. Wilma was surprised at how quickly her mother had become emotional. Wilma was aware of the difficult relationship between her mother and her brother but after trying many times to bring some solution to the situation had decided it was best to leave them to sort it out. Whenever she tried to help them resolve their differences, they both got upset with her.

As her mother brought up all the things she felt was wrong about her son Wally, Wilma could hear the pain in her voice and recognized that although she had covered up her pain over the years, it was still there as soon as she started to talk about it. Wilma realized that her mother was creating her own pain by her negative thinking but didn’t feel she could point that out to her directly.

“Mom, you know that Wally loves you. He just doesn’t want to argue with you so he stays away. When he does call, he doesn’t like the tone of the conversation. He feels insecure with you and he feels like he’s not loved and accepted for who he is. He’s really stressed out about this.”

“Well I’m stressed out too!” Harried replied emphatically. “And I don’t feel loved either; I don’t know that I want to go to lunch with him. The awkwardness will just start up all over again.”

Wilma could feel that her mother was getting more wound up emotionally so she knew she needed to settle her down. “Look, Mom, you both feel the same but I know that Wally wants to be with you for your birthday. He loves you, Mom,” Wilma repeated. “Do I have your permission to talk to Wally about how you’re feeling? Maybe if it comes from me, he’ll hear it differently.” Wilma wondered about getting in the middle again but then thought, why not, in for a penny, in for a pound. Harriet reluctantly agreed that it was okay for Wilma to talk with Wally.

“Wally, I’ve talked to Mom about her birthday luncheon and she is having difficulty seeing it as a nice family celebration. As I’ve talked to you and Mom, it seems to me that you both are experiencing many of the same emotions and stressing because of the way you are thinking about each other. She is really hurting.”

“Well, I’m hurting too, Wilma,” her brother informed her curtly, “but I didn’t know that Mom was taking things so badly and I certainly don’t like to see her in pain. I just don’t want to get into the same old conversation again.”

“You don’t have to talk about the past, Wally. Just let it be. See her as your mother who is trying her best, given how she is thinking about life. She loves you too, I know she does. She just doesn’t know how to express it. One of you has to put out their hand to the other. Do you want to have a better relationship with Mom?”

“Yes, of course I do. I don’t know if she does. I’ve tried in the past and it’s not worked. What will be different now?”

“I don’t know, Wally. You can only try again. I do know that if your heart is in the right place, you won’t take the things she says so personally. Maybe if you don’t get upset with her, she’ll back off.”

“Let me think about it,” Wally responded in a low tone.

That evening Wilma was talking to her husband about her conversations with Harriet and Wally. “They are both in pain from their thoughts about each other yet they both love each other. Their egos seem to be in charge with neither one wanting to extend themselves to try to resolve their estrangement. Life is too short to have this bad feeling in the family.”

Larissa, Wilma’s 10 year old daughter overheard the conversation. “Mommy, I think Grandma just needs to chill out and play nice with Uncle Wally. After all, he is her son. You’re always so nice to me unless I do something really bad like cut my new jeans into shorts. Why can’t Grandma be the same with Uncle Wally? She’s your mom and she’s nice to you. I don’t get why she can’t be nice to Uncle Wally. And I think Uncle Wally should be nicer to Grandma. I think both of them just need to chill out and make up,” Larissa concluded with childlike certainty.

Wilma was left very thoughtful by her daughters’ perception. Larissa was right on the money. Seen from her youthful perspective, it seemed a simple thing to “chill out and make up”. Could it be that simple? It would remain to be seen if that was possible.

The next morning Wilma called her brother. “Are you up for talking a bit about Mom?”

“Sure, I guess so,” Wally said, albeit reluctantly.

“Have you taken Mom for a car ride recently?”

“No, I haven’t. We end up snapping at each other so I haven’t bothered.”

“What would you say to trying again, Wally, with a different perspective based on your realization that she is so stressed about what is going on between you. I have a hunch it would mean the world to her and ultimately to you. If you don’t bite when she presses your red buttons she may give it up. At the very least, you will feel better if you don’t challenge her back but love her for who she is, our mother.”

“It sounds pretty farfetched to me and it also doesn’t sound fair. Why shouldn’t I respond to her snapping at me? It feels like I would be letting her get away with murder - the murder of my self esteem!”

“Has snapping back at her helped your relationship?”

“No, but that’s not the point.”

“Think about what you just said, Wally, and consider if your behavior toward Mom is of service to the both of you. That’s all I’m going to say about this. It’s up to you now.”

“What should I do?”

“I think you know the answer to that, Wally.”

Wilma contemplated calling her mother to share with her what Wally was going through. She knew she was really sticking her nose into their business but felt Harriet and Wally were on the edge of a new look at their relationship. On the way to work, she found herself driving by her mother’s place and before she could think about it, she was parked and heading for the front door.

Her mother answered the door with a face that looked tired and fraught with worry. Hugging her affectionately, they then moved into the kitchen. Pouring her daughter a cup of coffee, she said, “What brings you here so early?”

“Mom, I thought I’d share with you what Wally and I have been talking about. Are you interested?”

“I guess so.”

Wilma had to chuckle inside herself. Talk about two peas in a pod. Her mother and brother were so alike. Perhaps that was part of the problem. Neither wanted to give in yet at the same time, they appeared willing to consider it, if the other gave in first.

Wilma related to her Mom how much Wally was feeling stressed just like Harriet was but that he really wanted to have a healthy relationship and wasn’t sure how to go about it. “What about you, Mom? Do you want to have a better relationship with Wally?”

Harriet stared at her daughter in consternation. “Of course I do. What do you take me for? I love my son. I just don’t know how to be with him. Every time I say something, he snaps at me.”

This time, Wilma couldn’t help it and burst out laughing. “You both have the same story,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. “Just be open to changing the story.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just be open, Mom, the next time Wally calls or you call him. Go for a nice feeling in your conversation. When you find the conversation getting awkward, be still for a moment until the feeling passes, don’t retaliate. That is, if you don’t want that awkward feeling to continue. Go for the nice feeling, that’s how you will change the story of your relationship with Wally.”

As Wilma resumed her drive to work, she called Wally on her cell phone and related the gist of her conversation with their mother. “It’s up to you and Mom now, Wally. I’m out of the middle. Good luck! I know you both can come to resolution if you keep your heart in the right place.”

“I appreciate all you’ve done, Wilma. You’ve certainly earned your sister and daughter stripes. You’ve been promoted to Family Mediator.”

“No thank you!” They both burst out laughing and clicked end on the cell phone. Wilma felt hopeful that both Harriet and Wally had realized something deeper about emotions and stress – that emotions are ageless and so is stress. It remained to be seen what shape the new story of their relationship would take.

Elsie Spittle

June 10, 2008

Mining for Treasure

When people are gripped by despair, sorrow, anger, bitterness or other unhelpful emotions, it can be difficult for them to even consider that beneath their gloomy perspective resides inherent common sense. Yet if you listen carefully to their conversation to get the flavor of their world you will find unmined treasure that they may be totally unaware of. Then you can, when appropriate, direct them to their own inner resources.

In the summer, you may have occasionally noticed a beach comber wandering the beach, holding a metal detector, sweeping the instrument across the sand, looking for lost gold, rings, coin, or other treasures. Listening for people’s innate wisdom is like using a mental health detector; you will always find some gold nuggets if you listen deeply enough.

For example, Glen and Nina, a retired couple married many years, had experienced a tragic event, the death of their only son at the age of 25, which devastated them. They were inconsolable for many months to the point where Glen, in utter despair, was contemplating suicide. His wife was also suffering and was deeply concerned about her husband, loving and supporting him the best she could.

The couple’s close friend, Alan, stood by them, listening to their heartfelt anguish and helping where he could. At some point, Alan gave them Sydney Banks book, The Enlightened Gardener, which helped calm them down. Still the father struggled with his desolation, feeling he had nothing left to live for.

Alan asked Glen what he had found helpful in Syd’s book. “It’s a nice book, Alan, and it has some interesting theories but it doesn’t really speak to my reality. I’ve lost my son and nothing is going to bring him back. That’s reality.”

“Yes, I know nothing will bring back your son, Glen, and I don’t pretend to know what you are feeling because I’ve never lost a child. It’s just that you are my buddy and I hate to see you suffering so much. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Nobody can do anything for me. My life is over.”

“What about the love and support of your wife and relatives?

“Yes, I know. Nina has been incredible throughout this tragedy. She has a quiet strength that keeps her going and has been helpful to me when I’ve been at my lowest point. But I’m not like her. I don’t have anything I can count on now that my son is gone.”

“The fact that you can see and feel Nina’s quiet strength tells me that there is something in you that resonates with her strength, that her inner power has touched and helped you.”

“That’s nonsense, Alan. It’s not about me, I’ve nothing left inside – it’s about Nina’s strength, not mine. That’s what helping me sometimes.”

“You’ve still got a choice, Glen, whether you choose to engage that strength or not. I see that you do employ that power occasionally and my observation is that when you do, you feel better.”

“It’s simply a momentary distraction from my pain then I start to think of my son again and I’m lost.”

“Do you see how when you use your thoughts wisely, by connecting with your inner strength, you feel better? And when you attach to your sorrowful thoughts you feel miserable?”

“I’m just using my thought process to create distraction. That doesn’t have anything to do with reality! The reality is my son is dead.”

Alan reached out his arm and put it around Glen’s shoulder and just held him quietly for a moment. “I’m heading out to the lake this afternoon to do some trout fishing. Do you want to come?”

“Sure, why not. It’ll be a diversion for awhile.”

Alan and Glen spent a quiet afternoon, catching and releasing a few trout. Not much conversation took place, just a feeling of peace pervaded. On the ride home, Glen commented on how much he appreciated his friend and how he had stood by him and his wife in their time of grief. “Sometimes I feel as if I’m never going to come out of this grieving process, Alan, and I feel guilty if I start to enjoy myself. How can I be so hard-hearted to enjoy my life when my son is gone?”

“What I see, Glen, is that you are moving forward in life. Nothing stays static, not even grief. Everyone has their own pace with moving on. You take all the time you need to grieve, just please don’t torture yourself by lingering there. Your son would want you to enjoy your life. You’ll always have memories of your son, they’ll never go away. Your son is still with you in your heart and soul.”

“But it hurts to remember him, Alan, even the good times. It hurts because he’s no longer with us. I don’t know how I can get past that.”

“Is that state of mind where you want to live?”

“No!” Glen retorted adamantly. “I just don’t know how to move on.”

“What do you do now to provide some peace of mind for yourself?”

“I don’t know that what I experience is peace of mind but I walk a lot; physical exercise seems to help. And you know I also write now and then; I’ve started an article on fly fishing techniques – it’s tough but sometimes I get going and accomplish a few pages and that also helps focus my mind on something else besides my grief. But really, all that is merely a diversion. It doesn’t last long then my despair is back.”

“What prompted you to write an article on fly fishing?”

“I don’t know. It was just something to do, creating a diversion.”

“I think that’s terrific, Glen. That’s your innate common sense moving you forward.”

“No, that’s just my survival instinct.”

“Call it whatever you want, Glen. You’re still doing some constructive things that are helping you move to a more accepting, peaceful state of mind.”

“I don’t know about that but I’m not going to argue with you. Nina is volunteering at the Homeless Shelter, helping dish out lunch, and that is providing some solace for her. But she’s still really struggling.”

“You both have a lot of courage, Glen, and to give back to others, whether its tips on fly fishing or helping feed the homeless, it’s all good, for you and for them.”

“Well, I’m not getting my hopes up. You’re too optimistic, Alan, but you’re a good friend and I know that you are genuinely trying to help us.”

“All I ask is that you give yourself some credit for your own wisdom in doing what you’re doing, call it survival instinct or common sense. You’re discovering hidden treasures inside of yourself.”

“Oh don’t go all poetic on me,” Glen replied with a wry grin.

After dropping Glen off, Alan reflected as he continued his drive to his home, how helpful it was to be “normal” with Glen, spending a quiet afternoon fishing with him. Instead of trying to turn Glen away from his unhelpful emotions, experiencing a healthy time together was far more powerful then talking about how thought creates experience.

It was “living in a healthy feeling” rather than the “talking about a healthy feeling” that brought relief to them both. The positive experience brought respite from the negative thoughts Glen had been thinking. Taking the focus off of negative thoughts allowed the natural healthy default setting of human beings to emerge. Alan conceded to himself that there was a place for education describing how humans create their own experience as well as living in well-being. Clearly the partnership between education and experience was a powerful force. The old saying, “walk your talk” had never been so meaningful to Alan.

Several days later, Alan and his girlfriend, Marisa, joined Glen and Nina for a hike through a National park. There were many trails to choose from and the couples decided on the coast trail, overseeing magnificent views of the ocean. After a brisk hour long walk they found a patch of grass in the sun, found comfortable spots to recline and pulled out their lunch and drinks. As they munched their sandwiches, they observed a squirrel darting between the trees, busily gathering fallen nuts. With bulging cheeks, the squirrel scampered up the tree with its’ treasure, noisily chattering away.

The couples remarked on the industrious nature of the squirrel and Glen commented on how much his son would have enjoyed this outing. The mood turned pensive and Glen began to bring out his usual remarks about how tragic the loss of his son was. Alan and Marisa glanced at each other, uncertain what to do other than just listen.

As the mood continued to deteriorate, Alan was just about to suggest they continue their walk when Nina spoke softly. “That’s enough, Glen, I refuse to listen anymore to how awful the loss of our son is. You always talk about the loss of your son, but he was my son too.”

Glen’s face had a chagrined look as he said, “I can’t let it go, Nina. The reality is we’ll never see our son again and . . .

Nina interrupted Glen, looking him straight in the eye, piercing through to his very soul, and in a voice filled with love, passionately said, “I don’t want to hear it, Glen. I want to remember our son with love. He was a loving, light-hearted soul, seeing the best in everyone. Do you think he would want us to remain in our misery?”

There was a long, drawn-out silence then Glen said quietly, “No, he wouldn’t, Nina. You’re right. I’ve been too busy thinking to listen to anyone.”

The group somberly gathered their things together and backtracked to the car. When they reached the vehicle, Glen apologized to Alan and Marisa. “I know I’ve not been great company but I do appreciate you both spending time with us. It’s very kind of you.”

Turning to Nina, he wrapped his arms around her and quietly held her. “Thank you,” he whispered.

After dropping Nina and Glen at home, Alan and Marisa continued on their way. “When Nina spoke to Glen at the park, it felt like a defining moment,” Alan said. “I don’t know them as well as you do, Alan, but it certainly felt like something shifted for them. When they were walking up the path to their front door, Glen reached out for Nina’s hand. His face looked more relaxed too on the way back from the park as did Nina’s.”

A few days later, Alan called Glen, “How are you, old buddy?” They carried on a conversation for a time then Alan remarked that Glen sounded in better spirits. “No, I’m not really. I’m the same. It’s just that Nina won’t let me get away with too much anymore. I don’t know what’s come over her. I think she’s been reading those books you gave her from Sydney Banks. Thanks a lot,” he said in an injured tone, then burst out laughing.

“Well, whatever is happening with the two of you, you sure sound good, Glen. Your sense of humor is more than diverting.”

“Seriously, I owe you a lot, Alan, for all your patience and kindness. You’re a good friend. I know that I’ll never forget my son but I’ve got to move on and live life. I am starting to see that I am dishonoring my son by torturing myself and my wife by not letting him go.”

Alan knew then that his friend was on his way to more peace of mind. He was filled with compassion for the couple on their inner journey, feeling that there was more for them to learn, but sensing that they had a much more solid foundation on which to build their future. They had indeed found and started to mine the treasure within themselves.

Elsie Spittle

April 30, 2008

Salt Spring Island, B.C.

The Sandpaper Effect of Consciousness

The Principle of Consciousness continues to fascinate me with its infinite diverse power. Consciousness continues to unfold a multi-faceted dimension in providing awareness of how humans create experience.

If one is in a lower state of mind, Consciousness can sometimes appear irritating, prodding us to listen to our wisdom, when perhaps in our lower state we don’t choose to listen. However if we do pay attention to the gentle and sometimes not so gentle prodding of our wisdom, the degree of gentleness depending on how deeply mired we are in our lower state of mind, the sandpaper effect of Consciousness can have a marvelous impact on our quality of life.

Just as sandpaper can be an irritant to wood, sanding off the top layer to expose a finer grain, so can Consciousness sand off our ego and negative thoughts, exposing a finer state of mind providing a new awareness of life in general. As an advanced understanding is released from within our greater Consciousness and we begin to feel better, we embark on resolving any lingering issues that were contributing to our lower state or as the case may be, our lower state contributing to our issues.

For example, Charlotte, a leadership development trainer who is learning about the Principles, has been having a difficult time with integrating her new understanding of the Principles within the framework of her traditional training modules. The techniques she is familiar with using in her classes aren’t having the same impact.

When she talks about what she has learned and experienced in regard to the Principles, her audience is more alert and attentive although there are some in the groups she works with who wonder what planet she is from. But for the most part, her combination of calmness plus passion about what she is learning fires up the group and they are interested in learning more about the new understanding she is imparting to them.

In addition to her new level of calmness and vitality, Charlotte is having better results with her clients which evoke curiosity from her colleagues. When she tries to tell them what she has learned, she gets flustered and tongue-tied, finding it difficult to explain to them the power of the Principles.

As Charlotte relates this to me during a coaching session, she is articulate in describing what is most meaningful to her about the Principles. “I see Mind, Consciousness and Thought as the foundation of my work and my life. These Principles feel right to me as if I’ve always known about them inside but didn’t know how to express them.

“I recognize that I create my experience and discerning this has empowered me to not take things so personally. People in my company are very analytical and when I’ve tried to tell them about what I’m learning and how helpful it is most of them look at me as if I’m crazy. I’ve always felt out of step and judged myself harshly creating a lot of angst for myself trying to fit into the analytical mould. After all, this is how I was trained.”

“What is your wisdom telling you about this situation?” I asked.

“I’m feeling like I’m on a see-saw. One day I feel on top of the world that I’ve discovered something as precious as the Three Principles and I love everyone I come into contact with. That’s when I see that I’m trying too hard with my colleagues. I need to just be myself and let the results of my work speak for themselves.

“When I’m on my game I see that I’m trying to mix the Principles with the traditional models of leadership development and I know that isn’t the way to go. I know these Principles stand alone because they are fundamental to human functioning and not techniques.

“The next day I am berating myself for not taking life more seriously and telling myself that I need to come to grips with reality and fit within the traditional system yet it doesn’t feel right. I can’t seem to get away from an inner feeling that life is not a technique and that to continue to use the technique oriented models is doing a disservice to my clients. To me the Principles are a gift and an inherent benefit of life. I’m just not sure how to go about sharing what I’ve learned.”

“It seems to me that you are experiencing the sandpaper effect of Consciousness,” I told Charlotte. “Your own wisdom is telling you to just be yourself in regard to sharing what you’re learning with your co-workers. When you don’t listen, it doesn’t feel good because you know better and you aren’t paying attention – hence the sandpaper irritant on your belief system that you should try harder. When you talk to me about what you’re learning, you’re clear and expressive in your description. Your words ring true. So I support your insight in trusting yourself to be who you are now and that will attract your colleagues more than anything you could say.

“You can’t integrate the Principles with traditional models or techniques. That’s why it doesn’t feel right to you. Techniques are form and static while the Principles are before form. Consciousness is alerting you to this fact. When you trust your wisdom you will find that you can talk in the moment, being relevant to your audience and the deep feeling of vitality you experience will help draw out the innate wisdom from your audience. The ensuing conversation will be pertinent and appropriate to the group providing a mental environment for insights to be gained. This is a new way of learning without a developed structure or module but more a framework being created in the moment and then let go when you’re finished with it.

“While you are on the see-saw, the sandpaper is sanding down your old belief system exposing more wisdom, supporting and sustaining your new understanding that the Principles are a gift we are endowed with to make a better life. Let me ask you this, Charlotte. What is the result of your feeling on top of the world and in love with everyone?”

Charlotte paused for a long moment as she reflected on my question. “I’m having wonderful enlightening conversations with people. I would have to say that my relationships are improving as I take things less personally. I see my enhanced relationships as the basis for deeper rapport, honesty and trust with my clients.

“I see that my clients are also developing their leadership qualities based more on relationships than on technical skills. Don’t get me wrong, their technical skills are improving as well, but it is their ability to listen more deeply to their teams with less judgment that is really creating change in their departments. Their employees are not intimidated or insecure about coming to the managers to discuss whatever needs to be discussed, success or failure. They don’t feel the need to cover their rears anymore. They have the confidence to admit when they’ve made a mistake and take responsibility for it.”

There was a silence while we both absorbed Charlotte’s comments. Suddenly, Charlotte burst out laughing. “I just realized the sandpaper effect is smoothing my clients’ rough spots into healthier states of mind too. They are learning about the Principles just as I am and becoming more aware. Their heightened awareness is leading to improved behavior, naturally, without addressing the behavior. This is so exciting! I had no idea things were going so well until I started to talk with you. Now it’s all coming to light. We’re all getting a richer patina from sanding down our rough spots. Sandpaper effect, indeed.”

Elsie Spittle

April 7, 2008

Salt Spring Island, B.C.

Redefining Maturity

A fascinating discussion with a client in relation to senior employees, in terms of age, brought about some new thinking regarding the definition of the word “maturity”. One definition from Encarta dictionary says: Mature state, the condition of being ripe, fully grown, especially mentally or emotionally. Synonyms are: adulthood, prime of life, middle age, old age, mellowness, development.

My client, Gordon, an executive coach, had been asked to work with a long term employee of a company that was considering offering early retirement to the employee. The employer used the term “maturity” as a euphemism for “old age”. The hope was that some extra coaching for the employee might pave the way to an easier exit from the company.

Gordon felt some frustration with this situation after speaking with the employee. He learned there was no real reason for early retirement other than the employee was “mature” and out of the loop of new and creative thinking. The employee wanted to remain with the company and was willing to learn whatever was necessary to help him become more what the company needed. He told Gordon that he knew he had been “putting in time” and had basically given up but he felt under-utilized and therefore was not putting out any extra energy or offering much input.

Gordon felt the company was wasting the long term employee’s talents and potential. He was taken with the idea of offering coaching both to the employer and the employee, but not as requested by the employer.

Gordon could see that if the employer and employee were educated on the Three Principles, both parties could gain a new perspective on maturity, if they chose to. He felt that if both realized their role in the thought process of creating their separate realities they would have better understanding of each other rather than reacting to their perceived reality. Gordon was eager to introduce the subject of the value of long term employees to the employer.

As Gordon and I discussed this topic, an insight occurred to us. Maturity, in the context of wisdom and Consciousness, took on new meaning. When your level of Consciousness develops, you become more aware of life in general. You recognize your role as the thinker, creating your reality every moment. You realize when your ego isn't in play, you become less reactive, less defensive, more open to new ideas. You become wiser. You feel re-charged, utilizing your potential and enjoying life more, thereby offering more to the company and of course, to your family.

This all sounds great, doesn’t it? Several of the synonyms in the first paragraph of this article express this attitude; prime of life, mellowness, development. Even the definition from the dictionary speaks to “being fully grown, especially mentally or emotionally”.

So how have we come so far from appreciating the deeper meaning of maturity, where instead of exiting people from companies for no other reason than they are “mature”, we esteem them, appreciate what they have to offer, cultivate and harvest their wisdom and experience? Where instead of managing long term employees out of the company, we help them manage their career?

There are companies who do nourish maturity in their employees, in their senior leaders, encouraging their potential, providing a safe environment where it is okay to make mistakes as long as you acknowledge the error and learn from it. Some companies actually reward their employees for admitting their mistakes, realizing that the learning gained will more than offset the cost of the error. Such companies realize that we all come to maturity, become senior citizens and may have “senior moments”.

Does that mean that those employees are of little value? It’s understandable that there are times when early retirement may be the way to go and that employee and employer are in agreement. I suggest, when possible, the consideration be based on mutual accord, not on whether the employee is considered too mature simply because the rate of response may not be as fast as someone less mature.

I also understand that in some cases it may be necessary to exit employees in terms of reducing company size because of changes in the industry or other issues. Often in these situations, the mature employees may be the first to go. I’m not suggesting that the logic of this action is always inappropriate. I’m simply suggesting we take a fresh look and gain new perspective to see whether we helping our senior employees to manage their careers or are we managing them out of the work force?

The companies that are progressive in their thinking regarding the maturing population understand that if senior moments of forgetfulness are not focused on, those moments will usually pass more rapidly, with clear thinking returning. They know that having respect for our senior citizens, for their wisdom and experience inherent in the accumulation of years, will pay off in the long run. The sense of loyalty to the company, the willingness to do what it takes, the strong work ethic, all these things contribute to a valued, mature employee, productively contributing to the company’s bottom line.

Many of the baby boom population is taking advantage of early retirement. More power to them! But let it be by choice, not be decree.

Elsie Spittle

February 1, 2008

Salt Spring Island, B. C.

Truth Does Not Sleep

Just as nature has seasons, spring, summer, fall and winter, it seems to me, so do human beings. As I was walking this morning through the newly fallen snow, crunching satisfyingly underfoot, my thoughts wandered freely. Why do human souls fall asleep? Why don’t we continue to grow at a nice steady pace, gaining new inner knowledge that guides our lives forward, with more well-being? It sounds like I’m asking a lot, I know.

I can’t say that I came up with an answer. It seems it just is. Perhaps as in nature, a dormant period is required for plants and some animals to rest. In the spring as the weather warms, seeds sprout and grow; animals awaken from hibernation hungry for food. Perhaps there is some parallel in humans; a period of rest, then upon awakening once again, a time of hunger for new inner information to feed the soul.

One thing that has become apparent to me is that Truth never sleeps. Although our mental understanding may stagnate for a time, underneath, deep within, wisdom is alive and well, waiting to be released.

Our ego plays a big part in hindering the process of inner growth. What is so amazing and humorous about this statement is that ego is really an illusion, made up of our thoughts about who we are. Our ego is what we think of as our identity, what we’ve accomplished, and an image of self-esteem.

Beyond ego lies true self-esteem encapsulated within inner wisdom, a natural outcome of Universal Mind. Consciousness seems to be intertwined with Mind in helping us to become aware that as we entertain ego thoughts, our feelings are not positive. Our feelings are reflections of our thoughts so if we harbour thoughts of competition, of jealousy, envy and so on, we will be filled with parallel feelings. This is not a place I care to live in although it is a place I am familiar with.

To know that we have the free will to use the neutral power of Thought to create any experience, positive or negative, healthy or unhealthy, is quite remarkable. The knowledge informs our decisions helping us to make wiser choices, to think healthier. Instead of being a victim of circumstances, we realize that we always have a choice. Knowing we have a choice brings clarity and stops us from hibernating in old patterns of thought.

What I do appreciate more and more is the fact that Truth is never asleep. Even when our ego seems in control, deep within us there is a “knowing” that we have fallen into a pit of our own making. An illusionary pit, to be sure, but because we use thought to create our experience, the pit can feel very, very real.

Is this knowledge helpful? I would say it is very useful. At the very least, it prevents us from wallowing in the pit for too long. The best thing about knowing that Truth never sleeps is that you always get a second chance. If you have the honesty and humility to acknowledge that you have been sleeping, that you have become static in your inner knowledge, then once again, miraculously it seems, you continue your inner journey.

As you move forward into new learning, it’s as if your mental landscape has been softened, made more malleable so that seeds of insight burst into the open and then flower.

As my walk progressed and the sun rose overhead, the snow began to melt. Drops of water lightly fell from the cedar boughs as I walked beneath. Patches of meadow lay exposed to the clear blue sky.

In like manner, the warmth of wisdom melts the confining patterns of thought, revealing clarity of mind. A feeling of gratitude emerges as I continue my journey, sweeping through me, enveloping me so that my heart swells with emotion. Indeed, Truth never sleeps. It lays waiting deep within, waiting for the ego to thaw and innate wisdom to manifest.

The roots of knowledge are deep and provide stability. The strong roots allow us to be buffeted by the winds of change knowing that we will be okay as long as we stick to the fundamentals of who and what we really are. If we can see the human spirit is connected to Universal Mind, I don’t think we can go far from the pathway to discovering more of our inner resources and living in well-being.

Elsie Spittle

December 1, 2007

Salt Spring Island, B.C.

The Many Faces of Rapport

Is it possible to have rapport with someone you may not like? Is it possible to have rapport with someone that you may not trust? These questions came out in a group discussion regarding the merits of rapport in the context of organizational leadership.

Colin: “It seems to me that if you don’t like someone it would be impossible to have rapport with them. As far as not trusting someone and still having rapport with them, I can’t see that. That is an unreasonable notion.” Many heads nodded in agreement and voiced the same opinion.

Diane: “I’m just thinking – if we look at rapport in the context of the Three Principles, the definition of rapport is seeing beyond behaviour to the innate mental health in people– so if we were seeing beyond not liking or trusting someone wouldn’t that give us the ability to have a rapport with them? I don’t know, I’m just asking.”

Stuart: “I think of rapport as a warm and fuzzy feeling. How can you have that with someone you don’t like or respect?”

Colin: “Yeah!”

Diane: “As we’re talking it occurs to me that there have been a few occasions when I’ve felt a sort of neutral rapport for someone I didn’t necessary like or trust. The neutral feeling was more a feeling of understanding, where I saw beyond their behaviour to their core, to the humanity of the individual. As I recall when I felt that neutrality, there wasn’t a question of like or dislike, trust or mistrust, it was just neutral. I wasn’t engaged in judging their behaviour or attached to outcome.”

Stuart: “When you say neutral, it feels cold and standoffish. That’s not how I think of rapport.”

Diane: “Think of your vehicle idling in neutral gear. The gear isn’t wearing itself out and so it lasts longer and performs better. That is how I see having a more neutral state of mind and having more understanding of people without taking things so personally. Then I’m not so demanding of people but I still see their potential. I speak more to their potential then I do to their behaviour and their behaviour and work performance improves.”

Colin: “Nonsense!”

Diane: “Ah come on, Colin. I heard you the other day talking to your grandson on the phone. You told me later that he had an accident with your truck, that he had been drinking and ran into the ditch. You said no one had been hurt but the vehicle had a lot of damage. You were so good with him on the phone. You didn’t lose your temper; you let him know he was responsible for fixing the damage and that you would be talking with him later. I thought how you handled him was wonderful.”

Colin: “Yeah, but he’s my grandson and I like him. I may not trust him with the truck for a while. . .

Stuart: “I think I can see where Diane is heading. You saw beyond your grandkid’s behaviour and you talked to the grown up part of him, in terms of his responsibility for fixing the truck. But you didn’t lose your temper. In other words, you kept rapport with him.”

Colin: “I tell you that is a completely different situation. He’s my grandson.”

Diane: “But suppose you could have that feeling of neutrality with more of your employees? Wouldn’t that be helpful?”

Colin: “I’m out of here. I’ve gotta go back to work.”

Stuart to Diane after Colin leaves the room. “Well, Colin certainly took our conversation to heart, didn’t he?”

Diane: “I think he was ticked off, I don’t know about his taking anything we said to heart.”

Stuart: “The way you kept your rapport with Colin impressed me, Diane. You walked your talk. And Colin is a good guy. I’ve known him a long time and I know he’ll be thinking over our discussion. Give him some time. I’ve found our conversation thought provoking and look forward to our next meeting.”

Elsie Spittle

November 1, 2007

Salt Spring Island, B.C.

Being in Integrity

The title of this article came from an interesting phone conversation I had with a client, Paul. Our conversation elicited insights for both of us. We were discussing the spiritual nature of the Three Principles and how important it is to reflect on what the Principles are rather then what the Principles do. Paul is a department manager at a manufacturing plant. He is keen to introduce the Principles to his team but uncertain how to explain them.

“I find it difficult to articulate the Three Principles to my team,” Paul related. “The results I’ve experienced in my life are transformative but when I try to tell others I end up making a mess of it. Some of my team have commented on the difference in my leadership style. They tell me that I listen more and am less reactive. My lead supervisor asked if I’d had some special education that they had not heard about. They kid me about my level of calmness, saying that a bomb could go off and I’d calmly tell them to vacate the premises. I know there is interest in how I’ve achieved the level of calmness and the ability to manage my employees better. Yet when they ask me how I’ve accomplished and sustained what they call my “unflappable” state of mind, I find myself getting very wordy and complex in my explanation. Their eyes cross and soon they find something else to do. I’m just about at my wits end! I want to be in integrity to what I know and what I feel. Do you have any advice?”

“What has been most meaningful to you about the Three Principles?” I asked.

“Hmm. Good question. I’d have to say the first thing that struck me was the realization that my thoughts create my reality. I, as so many others, believed that circumstances created my reality and I had to deal with the situation as best I could. Usually there was only one way to deal with life. It was my way or the highway. Needless to say, this rough approach to life caused me a good deal of difficulty with my family and to be honest, created push back at the plant with my colleagues and the workforce.

“Once I had my eyes opened to the fact that I create my experience by the way I view life, my perspective shifted and so did my experience. My understanding of how people function also took a giant leap and I stopped taking things so personally. I could see that people were doing the best they could, given their thinking in the moment, so I responded rather than reacted.”

“Why don’t you share with your team what you just shared with me? You were brief and articulate in your description. I didn’t find you wordy or complex.”

There was a long pause as Paul pondered my comment. “It’s when I come to describe what the Principles are that I get into trouble. I have such a deep feeling that the Principles are spiritual in nature, that they operate before the form of behaviour and experience. But there is no way I can explain that to my team – nor do I care to delve into the spiritual aspect of life with my team at work. It doesn’t seem appropriate. It feels like I would be pushing religion or something like that. I don’t consider myself religious but there are many at work that are and I wouldn’t want to step on their toes.”

I could see that Paul was struggling with the dilemma of being true to what he feels and at the same time having respect for the beliefs of other people, particularly in a work environment where there may be many different religions. I considered him to be a honest and sensitive man.

“I understand that, Paul. I’m not suggesting that you do so. However there is a way you can convey there is something deeper to life than the form of behavior. To do so, you must listen deeply and observe where you can make a connection.

“I mean connect the spiritual nature of the Principles to something in your teams’ experience to provide relevance. For example: when I was given a tour of your manufacturing plant I observed a huge hydraulic press at work. A magnetic arm picked up a flat piece of metal, placed it on a form of a door, the magnetic arm pulled back, the hydraulic press came down and shaped a door from the flat piece of metal. The hydraulic energy created a form out of the metal. You can’t see the hydraulic energy but you see the results of the energy. In the same way, you can’t see the Universal energy of Thought, but you see the results of the energy via our thoughts that shape our experience.”

There was a deep silence as Paul considered my example. “What you say is very interesting. I never thought of that. It makes sense. I can see a link between the hydraulic energy and the form of the door that was shaped by the usage of the hydraulic energy. It’s clear to me,” there was a long pause then he continued, “but as soon as I start to think about it, the understanding vanished. Isn’t that curious,” Paul noted.

“Your intellect is slower than an insight. Just absorb your insight and don’t over think it. Just let it marinate and . . .

Paul broke in excitedly. “You know what just occurred to me? An idea is pure energy. You don’t see the idea until you take action and bring the idea to life.”

“That’s right. An idea is a thought and we have the power to make a thought real. You can’t see the thought but you see the results of the thought.”

“This is fascinating. Something else came to mind. As an engineer I was taught the engineering principle of Force equals Mass plus Acceleration. The equation is: F = M A. You can’t see the Force, which is pure energy but if you were hit by a truck you’d sure feel it!”

We both burst out laughing at the absurdity and at the same time the profundity of our conversation. A natural silence ensued and we could hear each other breathing on the phone. Then Paul ended the quiet reflection. “I need time to absorb this conversation. I’ve never gone so deep into the spiritual nature of the Principles and connected them to so many other things, like engineering principles. Could we carry on this conversation in a week or so?”

“Absolutely,” I agreed. “I also need time to soak up our discussion.” We scheduled a time and concluded our call.

The next day I spoke with Sydney Banks, the originator of the Three Principles, and shared some of the conversation with him, no names or specific details, just the general talk on different aspects of formless energy. I was still quite excited about the exchange between my client and me and blathered on to Syd about hydraulic energy. He listened without interruption with an enigmatic look on his face and when I finally stopped for breath, he looked keenly at me and said, “The energy you are talking about is not formless. Hydraulic energy still has form but it comes from Universal energy that has no form. Everything comes from Universal energy.”

“Oh”, I responded, feeling chastened without knowing why. “I don’t understand.”

“Yes, I know”, responded Syd kindly. “Don’t worry about it. It sounds like a fascinating conversation. Just know there is more, much more to learn.”

After the chat with Syd my mind ruminated over what he had said about hydraulic energy coming from Universal energy, before the form of all things. My brain struggled to comprehend his statement until finally I gave up, realizing that I was mentally tired and thus a signal that I was trying to figure it out rather than trusting insight.

I decided to go for a walk to clear my head and all of a sudden, I felt an excitement course through my veins. It didn’t matter that I didn’t understand what Syd talked about. It was the feeling I got just considering the depth of what he was saying. The power of his words opened my mind and that was sufficient. An open mind is a mind ready for insight. I almost skipped home, happy to be learning something new. I was not able to define what that something new was and I didn’t care. I trusted that the learning would reveal itself to me in good time.

Paul and I carried on our discussion soon after my chat with Syd. I related to Paul the best I could my new learning regarding all energy like hydraulic, magnetic, electricity and so on comes from Universal energy which is before the form of the other energies. I was clear with him that I didn’t really understand but knew there was more to it than I could articulate. I suggested he read Syd’s latest book, “The Enlightened Gardener Revisited” which talks a great deal about Universal energy.

Paul mentioned he had already read it since our last conversation and found it very exciting. He noted that the book was one he would treasure and read again and again. “I have something to share with you,” Paul went on. “I’ve been able to talk with my group much more easily. I don’t even think about what I’m going to say anymore. It just comes naturally.

“I don’t dwell on the spiritual nature of the Principles but somehow I make my point in ways that captivate my team. It amazes me that when you take the time to listen and to talk deeply with people, most have a sense there is more to life than the physical manifestation. They just don’t talk much about it. This morning our group conversation went to a very deep level and the group wants more. We’ve decided to meet regularly once a month just to explore the Three Principles and the insights we’ve gained. I feel like I’ve we’re on the road to success.” Joyous laughter came from Paul and I joined him in delight.

Hopefully more people will acknowledge there is more to life than what we see. To acknowledge our true source can only bring more knowledge and who can say no to that?

Elsie Spittle

Revised November 12, 2007

Salt Spring Island, B.C.

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